"09 May 2019:
Today was the first day out of the next 4/6 sessions I will be receiving 1 to 1 cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT). Before I go on... let me explain why I have decided to write in my diary now. My current situation: laying in bed, not having brushed my teeth, feelings teary, warm, angry! As my parents are in the next room arguing, again. I told my mum if she felt what she had done was right- waking my dad up slapping his body because he fell asleep with the lights on- of course, this triggered another fight. I asked her this followed by- do you think it's right how you guys make us feel (us being me and my sister)? This was to remind her she has an anxious, depressed daughter who really doesn't benefit from this environment, but once again... do they give a fuck? This can't go on much longer, I can't go on much longer, it's tiring, draining... On top of 2 essays, placement, therapy, study days, many appointments, how am I meant to ever look after my mental health in this environment?
Anyways, back to what has led me to this... CBT therapy. I walked in the building, having signed in at the reception and sat down in the waiting room. I didn't even have time to gather how I was feeling when a man (who then I realised was one of the therapists), asked me if my name was Alice as he was meeting someone he hadn't seen before (well you can rule out one name- I am not called Alice). Anyhow, apart from him, there was another lady who soon was called to enter. (The therapist eventually found Alice and I was left alone in the room)- for only about a minute before another lady entered but called in straight away. After that I was alone for about 5 minutes and as I stood in silence, in my head I could sense how nervous I was, I was staring into nothing, with my phone on my lap receiving notifications that I was too oblivious to notice.
Joanna called me in, my therapist! This was the therapist who was following my case when I was doing the online modules and as she said: she was extremely happy I was assigned to her. At this point, I didn't realise it could have been anyone, that the reason she was the one who was providing me with the sessions was in fact because she was assigned to me. How bloody lucky I thought! This was a woman who I had talked and cried on the phone to. As I told her, it was extremely weird to put a face to the voice, however lucky! I didn't have to explain my story again, this was the woman who was well informed about my case. Obviously, I wasn't expecting much from the first session, if anything I actually left feeling a strange warm feeling I cannot explain.
So the first session was based on discussing if anything had changed, where I was at the moment, the time I had free. In general, we spoke much about how I was feeling at the moment, which was in fact, slightly worse, how I had reacted to decreasing my antidepressants which led me to increasing it again. anyhow, much of deep and personal issues which in a way was relieving. I felt as though we were making a plan in my care based on what I really needed. We had two options:
Focusing on my situation at the moment and dealing with the anxiety now or
Work on my self- esteem.
In similar words, she explained that "much of low self-esteem, can lead us to try and compensate in other areas, which can lead to an increase of anxiety". As she was explaining this, I spaced out for a bit because in my head, everything was starting to make sense and I was taken aback to the time my relationship started to fall apart- also because of my insecurities and lack of self-esteem, the pressure I put in myself on that exam, the trip to the GP weeks after, and a visit to A&E down the line. We had discussed previously how hard I am on myself (maybe because of the lack of self-esteem?) and how this may lead to perfectionism. So we made the decision that between the sessions we would focus on the self-esteem and perfectionist bit because this has been the cause to much of my anxiety and in the long term, I need to be able to accept and love myself, and during the sessions, we would try and address my situation at the moment to try and help me cope.
I could see the time was running out, however, we decided to do the last activity (thoughts, feelings and behaviour cycle) which she knows I found helpful, yet I need to practice doing it more often(. The reason why I thought this works so well for me it's because writing is one of my coping strategies as it helps me put my thoughts onto paper, a bit of a relieve. Seeing this activity incorporates just that, I find it a great tool to understand our thoughts, how we process it and react. In the long run, this can be used in order to change our behaviour, I just needed to make this more of a constant activity.
I was given one sheet to reflect on one episode I may encounter (however I will be making more copies, this is definitely useful). I left the session if anything, very thoughtful. My thoughts were so many that when I stopped to reflect on it, I could no longer think of what I was just processing. I felt somehow good, it's like I had just made a big improvement with all these pieces of the puzzle; they actually fitted well together to provide a more broad picture.
I decided to walk home, it was only 30 minutes however it was something I hadn't done in a while. I walked through a lovely park I hadn't been to before and was extremely relaxing. When it was time to approach the main, busy and loud roads, I decided to put on my earphones and play music. I am honestly thinking about doing this after every session, it was so good to reflect upon what had just happened.
(ok, the situation has cleared, let's brush my teeth, drink some chocolate milk and go to sleep-feeling slightly better with a very tired hand, which I believe is nearly cramping, can you tell by the handwriting?)"
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