It has been quite a while since I have written about my own story, not only because I have been extremely busy on finishing this nursing degree but also because it is easier to invest my time in helping others. The idea of supporting others in their journey of recovery, helps me divert my attention to focus on something else other than myself for a few minutes. It makes sense right?
Anyhow…
After my initial appointment with my GP in May 2018, I decided not to go back despite the advice for a 3 week follow-up appointment, however, I did take my GP's advice on board.
Firstly, I started by trying the Headspace app, which to me personally, didn't work. For someone who was starting to suffer from anxiety, and with a brain always 100 miles per hour, it was extremely hard for me to focus on breathing exercises, my mind would often wonder somewhere else and I would end up seeing it as a waste of time, it just wasn't for me. Although saying this, I can understand why it works for some people, it can indeed be therapeutic and relaxing- if done at the correct time- forcing it when you are feeling anxious isn't exactly the right thing to do as I would often get frustrated.
Secondly, I decided to self-refer to talking therapies, which until now, has been one of my biggest and ongoing help, down the line I will explain how so. For those who never came across this service, the first appointment is by telephone, which I absolutely hated the idea of! The day I was supposed to have the first telephone interview, I never picked up the phone; I just sat and watched the phone ring. I did not feel ready to discuss my feelings with someone how would I do it by phone? It's something so personal to be done by the phone I thought? How can someone properly evaluate someone's mental health like that?
At this point, I hit a moment of denial, and for the next two months, I left aside this idea of my mental health deteriorating and constantly telling myself it was just a phase, with no need for the big fuss. The problem with avoiding a problem is that it will only get worse over time; I learned it in a really harsh way. I was too oblivious to how my behaviour was changing. The only thing I did realise was the fact I was constantly crying over anything. Personally, it was always very hard for me to cry over something, so to do it over little situations was even more overwhelming as I couldn't understand why! But for that period of time, any arguments, stress, overthinking even, would trigger tears.
At the same time, my mental health was somewhat telling me to take a break, I was living a beautiful moment in life (more reasons to not make a fuss I thought). I had this beautiful man next to me, my best friend I could honestly say, which I had loved for so long before he became MY MAN. Here was the man I was enjoying my life with, in a way I had never done before with anyone I cared about. He started by being my biggest support if things were rough at home (and they often were), he would offer me his house and I would just stay there for the week, with my beautiful dog, just relaxing and enjoying the moments. However, it came a time nothing he did or I did was enough, the arguments started to become more frequent. Despite this clearly bringing us both down, we never did give up, mainly because I never allowed that to happen.
August 2018 we both went on holidays. We are both from different cities back home, however, we had made the plan long ago for me to go to my city for a week, catch a plane on the second week to his and come back again to my city for the last week. It was absolutely the worst summer ever. I have always been a person who enjoyed her own company and I have often travelled alone, but this time, despite the many friends I have back home, nothing could make it better, in fact, I hit my lowest, my very lowest being stuck in that house on my own. Food was never a thought in my mind, and I often thought of taking myself to A&E as I could no longer cope. Funny enough… I opened up to two people about what was going on, one I ended up losing the friendship of and the other dismissed what I was saying as if I was mad. People were not used to seeing me like that; you could always catch a smile on my face (my best feature according to many) but not anymore… Here I was asking for help as I could no longer do it for myself and what was I getting in return? Avoidance...
For those three weeks, it's where I got to realise how bad I actually was, the reason being? I was alone, I had no reasons to hide my emotions, no reasons to put a fake smile on my face, it was just me myself and I, I didn't have to please anyone, so reality hit me, hard! Punched me right in the face..
Headspace App- Available on AppStore and GooglePlay- https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app
IAPT (Improving Access to psychological therapies), also referred to as talking therapies. Find your nearest service at: https://www.nhs.uk/service-search/ just write Psychological therapies (IAPT) and your postcode.
You can also self-refer to talking therapies at: https://www.talkingtherapies.berkshire.nhs.uk/
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