I attended a student nurse conference. I arrived 15 mins late as I got lost trying to find the entrance (typical) and when I got there, in a room full of possibly 60 people, I didn't recognise a single person from my course. That was until I saw two familiar faces of two lovely girls I met on the last study days at university for a research project that worked on mindfulness to help student nurses be more aware of their own feelings. If you ask me, these study days were so beneficial and should be available to all nurses, as the pressure of the job in itself can be so demanding on our mental health.
So before the conference started, they wanted to have an idea of the audience and funny enough, when they asked about who was a paediatric student nurse, I was the only one to put my hand up! (I wanted to hide)
I came into the conference having no idea about the topics of discussion, still knackered from the 3 night shifts I had just finished the morning before. First theme totally surprised me, and it couldn't have been a better topic to start with. The guy introduced himself, he himself was a student nurse, if I remember correctly, studying to be a nursing associate. The title of the presentation: "bipolar and me", and yes, it was precisely about that. He explained his journey, the ups and downs. We touched a lot on the downs, depression, his attempts at commuting suicide, hospital admissions and generally how being bipolar affected his life, it was amazing and heavy! I was definitely sitting there taken aback by a lot of these discussions but never wanting to leave the room as he had warned prior to the presentation, should it be too much for some people. Another speaker who was totally amazing to listen to was a man who had fought cancer and has been in the remission phase for a period of time. His cancer funny enough wasn't caused by smoking, drinking or any bad habits but stress! Internalised stress! He had been in an abusive marriage 10 years prior to the diagnosis, it took that long for the cancer to develop, for him to acknowledge all the physical symptoms and go to the doctors about it. Internalised stress...
As you can see it was a full on day, and at the end, we had a bit of what we call in nursing "Schwartz round". A Schwartz round is where staff come together to discuss emotional and social challenges of caring for patients.
Schwartz rounds were created by Ken Schwartz in 1995. Ken Schwartz was diagnosed with lung cancer despite being a non-smoker and exercising regularly. During his fight, he realised that the human connection between patients and their caregivers was what mattered and made a bigger difference during his illness. He highlighted how compassion and small acts of kindness made "the unbearable, bearable". Days before his death, he founded the Schwartz Center to encourage the caregiver-patient relationships by ensuring patients received compassionate and human care but also ensured nurses got to express and talk about their experiences and struggles.
This Schwartz round was made a little different: we had 4 speakers describing some of their most personal stories in healthcare as patients themselves, and the little gestures that helped and others that not so much. For privacy purposes I am not able to discuss what was said in this session, however, I can discuss what I did say. For the first time, I spoke up... in a room of so many people.
After hearing all these stories and so many people in the audience expressing their personal believes too, I decided to put my hand up and when asked to speak I simply said: "I totally resemble with Jonathan's (made up name) story. I, myself, tried to overdose long ago, to be honest I have never said this out loud, but when it did it happen, I witnessed probably the best and the worst of the healthcare services. I was made to feel judged by the lady that cannulated me, by constantly questioning me as to why I had done it, and that I was so beautiful and young that I could find any man I wanted to which my reply was that I didn't depend on any man for my happiness but I should depend on myself for it. After, I was seen by a doctor who was so attentive in the little things I said. I expressed to this doctor I was getting a headache from the noise in the waiting area outside and after half an hour, she came back to me to take me somewhere else where I had a bed and could rest whilst I waited for my blood test results. It was a small gesture to something I wasn't paying much attention to that she did recognise and made those hours in the hospital so much better."
As I was speaking up I could feel my face going red, my body heat increasing, trembling and my eyes somewhat watery. It wasn't easy, but I've always had the confidence to speak up about my story as I want to encourage others to do the same, never did I think I would be able to do it in front of so many people, some of which were so familiar from university including academic staff from placement. I was the last one to speak up, and after this, the most amazing and beautiful thing happened. One of the girls sitting next to me that I had met at the University study days, was writing something in her notepad, then she turns it to me and I read the most beautiful message (picture below). I gave her a massive hug as I was obviously so touched by the whole situation, and still am now as I am writing this. The point is, fight against your fears, speak up, spread awareness, there are so many people going through so many struggles, that it is things like this, that can sometimes make someone feel as if they are not alone. I had the courage to speak up in front of so many people, some of which support me in my nursing career, and despite how hard it was, I left feeling better than I had thought. Not going to lie, I was super emotional for the rest of the day, maybe because I was reliving certain experiences and doing something I never thought I could, yet, I don't regret one bit, if anything it has made me stronger.
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