@theanxiouslife

It all started back in 2015. At the time I was working as a teaching assistant in a primary school, it was July and only a few weeks away from the delight that is the 6 weeks holiday! Those last weeks I remember feeling really stressed and on edge, I didn’t think much of it and simply put it down to having so much to do before leaving for the holidays.

Fast forward to the start of the holidays…. I was super excited as I was going on my first holiday with my current boyfriend (we have been together nearly 4 years) and I was really looking forward to some chill time. On arriving at the airport I wasn’t feeling well at all, I had clammy hands, felt light headed….again didn’t think much just thought it was maybe a 24 hour thing. Once we arrived in Cyprus everything seemed fine, we were enjoying ourselves, however looking back I remember not feeling right, I had this constant pain in my chest. Me being me (back then) just ignored and carried on my holiday.

It must have been the third night I think, we were sat outside the hotel enjoying our drinks and I started feeling really lightheaded. My boyfriend took me inside as he thought it was too humid for me and got me some water. I was feeling really tired by this point so we decided to go up to our room and things took a turn for the worst.

We got back to the room and my legs went all jelly like and my chest was getting tighter. My boyfriend sat me down and gave me his inhaler, this didn’t help at all. I tried to stand up but the next thing I knew I was on the floor, struggling to catch my breath, pins and needles up and down my arms, blurred vision…….I remember thinking to myself “sh*t am I dying? Is this it?!”. My boyfriend quickly carried me down to the reception area where he the drove me to the hospital (the hotel said it would be quicker than waiting for an ambulance). I don’t remember an awful lot after this it was such a blur but I remember how calm my boyfriend was he didn’t panic he just calmly got me to the hospital and stayed with me the whole time. After have multiple tests, I was allowed to leave but they didn’t really tell me what had happened……

That night changed my life forever. On returning back home, I struggled massively. I was scared to be left alone or go anyway alone in case it happened again. I went to my doctor and she was able to explain to me that it was a panic attack, which is usually caused by anxiety. I didn’t really know how to take that……it was almost like she was sticking a label on me. She referred me for CBT which I then had to wait 6 weeks for.

My initial assessment. Diagnosed with: anxiety, mild depression and panic. F*ck my actual life I remember thinking to myself, like why me?! Anyway as time went on the CBT eventually stopped my panic attacks and I haven’t had one for nearly 3 years! I remember going out the first time on my own I felt on top of the bloody world! I still struggled to go long distances or new places on my own. 

Fast forward to 2017, I was doing…..okay. Took a bad turn, when I started to develop insomnia. I would literally lay in bed and over think and analyse anything and everything. Eventually, was put on Amitriptyline (to help me sleep) and propanalol (to calm my anxiety). It took me about a year before I came off them, mainly because I didn’t want to take them anymore. Slowly weened myself off and thought, wow i'm doing so well. Didn’t last long.

April 2018, I basically had a minor breakdown. To the point where I honestly thought my relationship was over. I was adamant that I wasn’t going to go back on medication. I researched endless ways to help my mental health but the one thing that struck me was meditation. I signed up for a 4 week beginners course thinking, this is probably going to do sod all! Boy was I wrong…….it honestly changed my life, instantly. I went home after my first session and cried to my boyfriend because I felt so guilty with how horrible I had been, his reply “babe you don’t have to be sorry, you’ve been unwell and that’s okay. I'm just glad you’re finally getting help and I am here for you”. That made me cry even more. Knowing that I had his love and support made my recovery even easier.

Fast forward to the present time. I am currently doing well, I still have bad days but I am learning how to deal and cope when having a bad day. My boyfriend is a huge support, he will always give me space to breathe when I’m having a bad day but will always be there when I'm ready to talk. He is my absolute rock and I wouldn’t be where I am now if it wasn’t for his support.

I want my story to be a support to others going through any form of mental health.

It’s okay not to be okay

Hannah x

“My rock. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years and he has been there all through my anxiety and depression. He was there when I had my first panic attack and although I can’t remember much of what was going on, I do remember seeing how calm he was with me and the whole situation especially as we were abroad! He drove me all the way to the hospital, stayed with me all night and wouldn’t leave my side the rest of the holiday as I felt afraid to be alone. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him! His support and understanding makes coping a lot easier. He is so good at noticing when I’m going to have a bad day, he just gives me space to breathe and is ready with open arms when I want to talk about it.”